I hope no one thought I was writing bout my actual vag.. Nope. Not that kinda blog. Its more about my personality fitting with the type of people who also have vagina's. I have, what some might call, a "difficult" personality. I think its only difficult because I have a vagina. Let me explain.
There are men who are very comfortable around women. They aren't gay. They happen to be just as comfortable sitting and talking to a group of women, as they are talking to a group of men. I know a couple a guys like this. They don't make you feel like they are hitting on you. They follow a conversation, & are actually interested in what your talking about. Not my type. I like the stand offish, show no feelings kinda man. The quiet guy, who isn't comfortable talking to anyone. 15 years later, I love him for who he is. That doesn't mean I don't admire those qualities in those other type of men. My friend Charlie is just that kinda guy.
Here is the issue; the same way you have men who are like that, there are women like me, who are comfortable with men. Sometimes I am more comfortable with men, than I am with women. This does cause some problems because my husband supports the theory that men & women can NOT be friends. I have strarted to agree with him, but to a point. Married people can be friends. Male or female. All single people must stay away. Then it works.
Back to my problem. I myself am the stand offish type. The only feelings that I show easily, are anger & frustration. I like things done the way I want them to be done. I curse. Alot. Its most of my vocabulary if you piss me off. I am loud. I am honest. Brutally. I am not shy. I could probably sit in a room full of men while they watch porn & not blush. It doesn't do anything for me (promise), but I wouldn't be embarrassed. If I was a bigger person, I would most likely still be getting into fist fights.
There are other women like me. My best friend in the universe is just like me. We had a talk one day on how this kind of personality can be lonely. Most men think its cool. Not the men who are in relationships with us sometimes. I have been with my husband for 15 yrs. The same things that make him want to be with me, are the same things he will frequently ask me to change. He isn't very emotional, & neither am I. But I am the one who is supposed to be. I look at things and tell people exactly what I see & how I see it. Same as him. Its not always appropriate for women to talk the way I do. So I have been told.
So how does one go about changing their personality. I don't have alot of female friends. The ones I have, take me for who I am, & love me for it. Other women expect me to have the same issues they have. I don't "FEEL" my way thru life. It is what it is. I love my children, but I am not what most people would call maternal. Play dates make my skin crawl, & I could give a shit about the PTA. My husband says one of us should be involved. He also wants our kids to make communion. They aren't, cause like my husband I refuse to go to church.
I might not walk around with my feelings on my sleeve, but like my friend said, we still have them. Because we don't need to be "cared" for, its hard for people to help us. Most men never ask for help. I only do when I am desperate. I am not a martar. I just do stuff on my own before I look for someone else to do it for me.
So this is my dilemma. I am who I am. At 32 yrs old, the idea of remaking myself so people in my life can be comfortable, just doesn't seem possible. I have no intention of changing who I am. It might be a lonely way to live, but being myself makes me happy & that's all that matters.
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