There are the Paris Hilton's of the world. The Kardasians. I would like to keep naming people born into the easy life, so that I can compare it to my own, but it boars me, so I will get to my point. There are people like that. The people who's only problems are those that they create for themselves. The world is at their disposal. All they are asked to do is not fuck it up for their families in their short life times. Some aren't even asked that.
Then there are people like me. In fact, I can give you a neighborhood full of me's. We are the damned. Born into a struggle of some form or another. The funny part is, it goes generations deep. There is a movie. Its called "A BRONX TALE". Its should be called, the spawn of Eddie the Mush. Its a direct reference to the movie. I sit here with this thought in my head, as my back is cramped, & my ribs are still killing me. My fault. Last day away, I wore a bathing suite that I couldn't undo the top. The other three days, I spent most of my time on my stomach, & the strings weren't digging into my side. I wanted to look cute. Yes, I am an ass. Moving on.
I am thinking about the idea I have, that anyone coming outta that neighborhood is damaged. Why, I don't know. I have an idea. And I am sure, if you are from there, you do too. While on this last trip, we met a nice couple from Long Island, by way of Brooklyn. Al & Judy. They were my father in laws age, so it worked out perfect. He made friends, like I tell my boys. During the exchange of telling where we are from, (I also answer the Bronx, Auther Ave.), Al says "there isn't a place more corrupt". I smile. Now why would Al from L.I., originally from Brooklyn say such a thing? Maybe because its true, and we pay in someway every day for it.
It doesn't have to be so dramatic. But unlike the getto, or the projects, where people have the chance to outrun the circumstance, ours seem to be different. Its like we are jinxed. Too many of my friends have learned how unfair life can be at very young ages. You move, doesn't matter. It will follow you. Doesn't matter how much money you do or don't have. Doesn't matter if you are god fearing or not. Its the black fucking cloud that's always hanging. We find happiness. But its not a given. If we get it, we have to fight for it.
Is it wrong to have ambition. We all know where we come from. How most of our families survived (or still do). Is it wrong to want what seem comes so easily to everyone else. This isn't a "why us" song. I find it ironic.
Take my family. The physical fucked upness alone is amazing. I know that there is some counter part me living somewhere in this world, whos 32yrs haven't been quite so exciting.
It goes beyond that. We all learn how to suffer too early too. Mentally. The universe seems to have decided that each of us must have our cross to bear. Even the good ones. No one gets away. Sometimes I wonder what the beginning was like. I think for such bad Karma to be hitting such a small area, there has to be a reason why. Cant be any worse that that movie "Gangs of New York". It doesn't seem that the brutality of the place should matter. New York, is New York. The whole city was built on blood. So why us? I have no fucking clue.
The people I feel bad for, are the ones that get Mushed on. People we bring into hell with us. Or the next generation that we each pass the cloud to. I have started telling Dom that when he really likes a girl, he had to ask for a full medical workup. Why would I want my child to suffer the way his father is. I know he is only gonna be 7. I figure to drill it into him. Play with whoever you want. If your gonna partner up, ask for a background. If you hear "my family comes from the Bronx", you ask where. If they say the same place mommy is from, you say no thank you. The kid has suffered enough. Having me for his mother. His grandmother (god rest her soul), came to this country with her hard working family. Honest people. Devout people. She died two years ago at 54. Guess where they lived when they moved here, before the settled in Throgsneck where she was a teenager. She came here when she was three.
My family, I understand the mojo. I wont tell peoples business, but I come from people who seize on opportunities. We want. We try to get it. Any means possible. Its a way of life. For boys my age to not finish grade school, might shock other people, but it was very common. Why go to school when you could make easy money. This didn't just start with my generation. Its been forever. My family included. Is this the reason?
I don't think we are victims of circumstance. I said it hits even the most best of people. I also wonder, are we better for it. We are thick skinned, or we learn to grow one quick. There is an underline rage in almost everyone of us. Some mask it better, but each of us have it. Even my sister. I watched her try and beat a gypsy cab driver with a club in the middle of a two way street, because he flicked his cigarette at her. There have been many times in my life that I wished I was a boy. So I could beat the shit out of other men. My husband always says he keeps looking, but he cant seem to find my balls. He knows I have them, he just cant seem to find where I am hiding them.
If you are from there, just think about it. In your lifetime, can you sit back and think to yourself, I know there is an easier way. Life is made of ups & downs. That's what I hear. My feeling is if you see that you have more downs than ups, there is a good chance you know why. Part of me is grateful. I am grateful to be able to know when I should be happy causing I am having an up moment. I feel that the people who spend most of there time in the up period, don't appreciate it. They don't look at things in the moment. I kinda feel that we do. We know that any second, the universe is going to take it away, so we try and enjoy things when they are happening. Its not always a good thing, living life with the "o fuck it" attitude. We leave behind alot of collateral damage. Not many of us are known for our self control. If we enjoy doing something, we tend to take it to extremes. I think its out of desperation.
It can be funny looking at the unMushed. Almost like observing a alien race. How can they live without suffering in someway, everyday. What kinda fun is that. Having everything go smooth. No heartache. Honestly, people like that are a little boring. They have no story. At the very least, each of us can say we have one. From time to time, I hear someone elses story. I like it when I can say, "if they can live with that, I am a lucky girl". It happens sometimes. Like at this moment, my life should be in an up. New beautiful home in the suburbs. Financially more stable than others. My children are healthy. But then.... we all know the tale. If I were someone else, I could sit and tell you, this is the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. Anyone would think that's the case. Nope. Now, I ask you this. If this isn't the worst thing, then there is other shit that has been worse. ThatI lived thru. That I can talk about. That's part of my story. Aren't I lucky to have had that all happen? Wanna know why? Cause if I wasn't Mushed at birth, I wouldn't be able to live my life as it is now. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. We carry on & live for as long as we are damned to. I can be as sick as I am, and take care of my children (almost totally by my self). I can still be my husbands companion. I can still keep my life going as I wish it to, because I was born to survive. We are constantly being knocked down, but the one thing we each have in common is that being damned has made us all stronger jinxed fuckers, and I think we are better for it.
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